A Storm is Brewing...

I can feel a storm brewing. You know, the kind that you can feel in your bones. The kind that will no doubt have an impact on your life in some way. That is the kind of storm that I am feeling is headed my way.

It has been building for a couple of months now. About six to be exact. I can't tell you an exact time that it began, but I know that it is coming. And with it could bring joy or extreme pain. I won't know until the day that it hits me.

Over the last few months, I have been so busy trying to set my life in motion with the future that I wanted. I have started college and have been trying to get my thoughts in-tuned with the future that I want to live. I have been pushing my family in the direction that I want to go, and haven't even considered the affect that it may have on them.

I may be wrong in doing that, or I may be on the right track... who knows yet. All I can do is my best, or what I think may be best at that time. I can't explain where these feelings are coming from, but I can seriously feel it in my bones. And that- scares the hell out of me.

Every morning when I wake up, I start the coffee for my husband. I set out his daily vitamins and tell him to have a great day and to drive safely. I get the kids up and ready for school and then on the bus... and pray that they look half-way decent. I drink my morning coffee while checking my e-mails and then get ready for school if it is a school day. If it's not, then I usually have homework to do. I then start a load of laundry and eat some breakfast. My day seems to always get off track at this point. It is about now that I feel lost. I honestly get so caught up in everything that has to be done that I never start to do any of it. By the end of the day, I have essentially started a load of laundry and never finished it and that is about the extent of it. Somewhere along the way I have gotten lost.

How does this happen? Do I have ADD? Maybe. I don't know how it happens, or even why it happens. I AM NOT PERFECT! I think that I have let myself bite off more than I can chew. I can't seem to find the balance for my life right now. How can I move forward if I am getting bogged down in the now of my life?

I have been getting severe migraines over the last few months. I can usually expect to get one just before my cycle, but they are coming closer together and twice the pain. I have no clue what is causing them either. I can only assume that it is stress induced. I haven't done anything to aleviate any of that stress either, only added to it... with the kids and school and PTO meetings (which I have missed 2 times now, ugh!) and then the husband and other child and all of that drama that goes along with the ex-wife. I can't seem to keep my head above water these days. Why have I let my life spriral out of control like this?

I have some meds in my medicine cabinet. I could be taking them and feeling better, but for some reason they are just sitting there. I can't seem to bring myself to take them. I have no idea why not. I know that they can only help me. I think maybe I look at them as me throwing in the towel. I look at them as me admitting that I am not Super Mom and I can't do it all.

As stupid as that sounds, it is what it is. I feel hopeless at this point. Completely useless to my family. Totally burnt out with life and I should be in my prime right about now. What is it that is making me feel so damned depressed? I have a great husband, wonderful kids and a 4.0 gpa in school. You would think that I would be on cloud nine right now. Instead, I am having one hell of a pity party for myself.

I guess what I am asking is, please pray for me. I seem to have lost that loving feeling for myself and I want to get it back, asap! I don't think that my husband can keep going it alone for the next 18 months while I finish school. He is worried about me and I don't want to add that stress to him either.

Sorry that this is a bummer of a post, but I had to get it out... or down- whatever. Any suggestions would be appreciated at this point... especially if you are going to suggest that you come clean my house for me... That would rock in my book.

Bless y'all,

Jamie